The Santa Clause

The Santa Clause

(John Pasquin, 1994)


When a man inadvertantly kills Santa on Christmas Eve, he finds himself magically recruited to take his place.


For some reason, I thought this movie starred a 90’s JTT, (Jonathan Taylor Thomas), but alas, no.  I was very disappointed to see Tim Allen.  Oh well, we will have to make due.

This is what I was thinking of… jttDang.

Anyways, The Santa clause opens with Scott Calvin, (Tim Allen), rushing home to meet his ex-wife, who sucks and has a sucky boyfriend, (Judge Reinhold).  His kid, Charlie played by Eric Lloyd, is having an existential crisis: a kid at school told him there was no Santa.  He is bummed, and it just gets worse for him, despite Daddy Allen’s effort.  Little Charlie starts to question everything, “how do reindeer fly?”, “how does Santa get down the chimney if he is so fat?”  Rude!  Christmas is not everything it is cracked up to be for poor Charlie.  Scott burns the turkey, and they have to have Christmas dinner at Denny’s.

If you think poor little Charlie has is it bad, wait until you see what happens to Santa!  Death, death happens to Santa.

dead santa

Okay, not like that!  More like, he fell off the roof and died, and then disappeared!  Spooky!

dead santa 2

In dead Santa’s pocket there is a card saying to put on the suit and the reindeer will know what to do.  Charlie climbs into the sleigh, Scott follows and off they go!!

The special effects in this movie are very 1994: BAD!

Reluctantly, Scott puts on the Santa suit and becomes the new Santa!  After delivering the toys, the reindeer take him to the North Pole where he meets Bernard the elf.


Scott is informed that he is in fact the next Santa.  He has the next 11 months to get his affairs in order, and then is due back at the North Pole to resume his duties as the big guy in red.  I can’t imagine this would be an easy pill to swallow.  With the help of Judy the Elf, Scott is able to understand why his role as Santa is so important.  judy

Unfortunately, Scott wakes up not remembering what happened at the North Pole, and thinking that it was all a dream, Charlie remembers.  Charlie actually totally lets the cat out of the bag and tells his class that his dad is Santa Claus.  Now Scott is on trial.  He has to explain to Charlie that he is not Santa and they did not go to the North Pole.  They did, the kid is right, but no one listens to children.  Things are looking grim for Christmas.

While all this is happening, Neil, Charlie’s mom’s sucky boyfriend and psychiatrist, is trying to get to the bottom of what Charlie is claiming.  The only good thing about Neil is his sweaters.  They are GOLD!  Probably the best part of the movie.


In normal Tim Allen style, the movie is full of one liners.  Lots of one liners, also he does his little grunt thing a bunch, you know the one. one liner

Everyday Scott is becoming more and more like Santa.  He grows a beard, which he shaves every morning but comes back by lunch, his hair turns grey, and he puts on 45 pounds in a week.  Looking hot, if you are into Santa, which I am, (tmi).

santa 1  He looks good!!

But his good looks will not save his visitation rights.  Charlie’s dumb mom and Neil get his visitation rights taken away, but he ends up technically kidnapping Charlie and taking him to the North Pole.

santa 2

Scott, or Santa, gets arrested.  Of course.  Adults are literally the worst.  They ruin everything!  Why cant this guy be Santa?  Why is that so crazy!  Anyways, “Elves with attitude” are called in to save Santa.  They proceed to break him out of jail.  Scott takes Charlie home to his mother’s place.  Scott says goodbye to Charlie and everyone blubbers.  Finally, Charlie’s mom believes that Scott is Santa.  Duh!

To be honest, this movie is not bad!  I expected it to be total garbage.  It is a heartwarming tale, just like all of the other movies this month!  I have found a lot of new favourite movies, that are now on my Christmas classic list.

The Santa Clause receives 4 farting Comets out of a possible 5.

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The nightmare before Christmas

The nightmare before Christmas

(Henry Selick, 1993)


Jack Skellington, king of Halloween Town, discovers Christmas Town, but his attempts to bring Christmas to his home cause confusion.

I am surprised I have never seen this movie!  Tim Burton is one of my favs, and he wrote this movie.  This movie stinks of Burton!

Henry Selick directed one of my all-time favourite movies, Coraline.  I even named my dog after Coraline!  I love the darkness, but cutesy aspects of his movies.


Hallowe’en Town looks like a fabulous place to live!!  Unfortunately, Jack Skellington (Danny Elfman) is not happy as the Pumpkin King and wants to leave, or at least find something better.  Classic, and I felt the exact same way as him growing up.  I didn’t grow up in Halloween Town, but a small town that had a weather predicting albino groundhog.  Gimmick towns are tough to live in.


Jack discovers a door to Christmas Town, another gimmick town, but at least it is different.

halloween town

Meanwhile, Jack doesn’t realize that he has a comrade in arms, Sally (Catherine O’Hara), who feels the same way that he does.  Sally was made by an Evil Scientist, who she keeps drugging to be able to leave.



Jack tries to explain Christmas to his fellow Halloween Towners, but they do not fully understand it.  He does some research, using the scientific method even, to find a logical way to explain Christmas.  He calls on the Evil Scientist to borrow science stuff, beakers, microscope, you know, science stuff.  He dissects items related to Christmas, but alas has a hard time understanding the meaning behind it all.


Meanwhile, Sally is up to her old tricks, quietly escaping from the Evil Scientist.  She takes a potion over to Jack’s place.  Turns out she has the hots for that bone daddy.  She has a vision about Jack’s plan, and discovers that what he is doing will not end well.


Jack decides that Hallooween Town will celebrate Christmas.  He gives everyone in the town a job to perform, like making reindeer.

I think this is a great movie to watch right after Halloween.  I always find that I want to watch all of the Christmas movies right away, but force myself to wait and then make a mad dash to watch them before Christmas is over!  This movie would be a nice way to start the holiday season.

This movie would be a lot of fun to perform on stage.  The music is really good!

Jack has good intentions, but does not realize that he has potentially ruined Christmas by trying to steal it.  It is kind of like the Grinch, but opposite.  What poor Jack doesn’t realize is that all of the Christmas stuff does not represent Christmas, it is in your heart, or something.  It is not the reindeer, the lights, or Santa!


Jack’s little minions steal Christmas, so that Jack can take his place.  Yikes!  He gets Sally to make a Santa suit for him.

jack as santa

Santa is sent down to the Mr. Oogie Boogie man. oogie boogie

Not looking good for Santa.

Or Jack!  I feel bad for him.  The Halloween Towners do not understand that he did not want to ruin Christmas, but be a part of it.  Unfortunately, no one likes the gifts that he is giving out, and try to shoot him out of the sky.  They are victorious.  Poor Jack then goes on to sing about ruining Christmas.  Well, duh!


In the end, Jack does the right thing and saves Santa.  He also needs to save Sally, because bitches are always getting themselves into trouble and need a man to save them.  Or at least this is what movies tell me!?

I can see why this is a classic Christmas movie, and it is another one that will be added to the repertoire.  I think it is the perfect movie to watch after Halloween, right before December 1st.

I think the movie has a nice message about respecting other people’s rituals or customs, without stealing them.  Also, in the end Sally gets her bone daddy, if ya know what I mean. *wink wink*

The nightmare before Christmas receives 4.5 Bone Daddies out of a possible 5.

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White Christmas

(1954, Michael Curtiz)


A successful song-and-dance team become romantically involved with a sister act and team up to save the failing Vermont inn of their former commanding general.

To be honest, this movie is not what I thought it was like.  Once again, I thought there would be more Christmas.  I think I am used to movies like Elf or The Grinch who stole Christmas.  Movies that are set right at Christmas.  At first I wasn’t sure if I was going to like this movie, but as it played I started to understand the appeal.


Firstly, Bing Crosby.  When I was a kid Bing summed up at Christmas for me and my family.  We would fill our glasses with eggnog, put on Bing’s Christmas album, and put up the tree.  It was tradition, and it was wonderful!  It is funny though, his voice doesn’t match his face to me.  Maybe that is just me.

Danny-fucking-Kaye!  He plays the go-getter and is a bit smarmy.


The movie opens during the second world war at Christmas.  Bob Wallace (Bing Crosby) and Phil Davis (Danny Kaye) are putting on a Christmas show for their fellow soldiers.  After the war, Bob and Phil become a two-man singing act and become successful.  They are hoping to meet some women, and then they do!  The women are a sister act, comprised of Betty Haynes (Rosemary Clooney) and Judy Haynes (Vera-Ellen).  They decide to go to Vermont, because of SNOW!  Unfortunately, they get there and find no snow!  Damn!  But they do find a General from the war, who is running the inn they are staying at.  The girls are to perform at the inn, but feel bad because no one is at the inn due to the lack of snow.  The boys decide to help their war buddy by putting on their flashy act.  They incorporate the girls into their act.  Sparks fly between Betty and Bing.  Keep in mind, in real life Bing was about 20 years older than Rosemary Clooney.  Gross.

Speaking of Rosemary Clooney, she was George Clooney’s aunt.  Vera-Ellen, was the youngest member of the Rockettes.  And boy, can she dance!!  She had been doing it since she as 10, had been in a bunch of Broadway shows, and in many musical movies, with the likes of Fred Astaire.


The General decides that he wants to get back into the army, but they don’t want him because he is fucking old.  He is appropriately sad about this, and feels useless.  Bob plans to try to get some of the men from the General’s army outfit up to the inn.

Not sure about the “choreography” number?!  It had a Funny Face feel to it.  Vera-Ellen saved it.  Danny-fucking-Kaye was weird.  Just weird.

danny kaye 2

I didn’t realize it at first, but Mary Lazarus from Sister Act is in this movie.  Her real name is Mary Wickes, and she plays Emma Allen, the nosy housekeeper.  Emma mishears Bob on the phone with an old army buddy who hosts a variety show talking about televising their show on Christmas.  She is not pleased to hear about this, mostly because she does not want the general to be embarrassed on tv.  Emma tells Betty what she has heard, who then gives Bob the cold shoulder.  Judy decides that if they want Bob and Betty to get together, then they should fake an engagement.  The schemes in movies are astounding!  Unfortunately, Betty does not take the news well and cannot forgive Bob.  It really turns into a cruel joke.  Poor Betty thinks that their act is over and she is losing her career and sister.  Betty decides to leave the inn, exactly the opposite of what Phil and Judy plan.

The dance numbers in this movie are aces!  Vera-Ellen is awesome!

vera 3

vera 4

vera 5

Phil and Judy tell Bob about their stupid plan, and he leaves to go to New York to get Betty to come home.


Judy sings a song about heartbreak, which she does so well!  She is a badass chick. I really love the idea of going out for dinner and a show.  I would love to do this!  Does this still happen anymore?

Bob goes on his war buddy’s variety show to sing a song about the general.  He asks for ex-soldiers to come to the inn on Christmas eve to show the general that he is still important to people.  Betty watches his plea on tv and falls in love with him.  You can see it in her eyes.

In the end, all the guys show up, Betty comes back, and it snows!  Perfect ending.  Oh, and they all end up hooking up: Judy and Phil, Betty and Bob.


This movie is good, but I really think they should have had more Christmas carols.  But, at least they do sing White Christmas at the end.  One of my all-time favs.

It is a heart-warming tale, and I think everyone should watch it at least once.

Quotable: “Oh, my word, if I wasn’t such a mean old biddy, I’d break right down and cry.” -Emma Allen (Mary Wickes)

White Christmas receives 4 Danny-fucking-Kayes out a possible 5.

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Miracle on 34th street

Miracle on 34th street

(1947, George Seaton)


When a nice old man who claims to be Santa Claus is institutionalized as insane, a young lawyer decides to defend him by arguing in court that he is the real thing.

Miracle on 34th street, now this is a Christmas classic! Full of Christmas-y spirit! I am watching the original from 1947, not that 1994 garbage, (j/k, I am sure it is a wonderful version).

The movie opens with Edmund Gwenn, who plays Kris Kringle, critiquing everyone’s holiday activities. Bit of a dick, I must admit. But, boy does he look like Santa Clause! Or at least what Coca Cola tells me he looks like.

coke santa


Kris rats the drunken Santa in the parade out to Doris Walker (Maureen O’Hara).  Doris is in charge of the parade and asks Kris to sub in for the ol’ drunko. She then goes home to her maid trussing the biggest turkey I have ever seen! That damn bird could be in the Macy’s parade!


Doris’ daughter, Susan, is played by a young Natalie Wood.  She is a very cute kid. She is over at her neighbour’s place, Fred Gailey (John Payne), watching the parade.

natalie 1

Susan is woke! She doesn’t believe in fairy tales, or Santa.  In my house growing up the minute you stop believing in Santa he doesn’t bring any gifts.  Therefore, I believe in Santa.  Susan is kind of a bummer.

I am suspicious of this Kris Kringle. He seems to be rather obsessed with Santa and Christmas. This guy needs a hobby. Also, he does not seem to be into capitalism. He doesn’t like the commercialism of Christmas. Sounds like a communist to me!

If you absolutely hate your life and feel like torturing yourself, then give ‘My Santa‘ a watch! Now, I gotta admit that I only got through the first 15 minutes. It was pretty awful, but it follows the same plot as ‘Miracle on 34th street’. Matthew Lawerence, the hottie from ‘Mrs. Doubtfire‘ plays “Santa”, or sorry, Chris.

matt law

It seems that Doris has read too many psychology articles on how to raise a logical child who does not believe in fairy tales.  I think I see where the conflict in this movie will be! Doris and Kris get together, but Susan is not happy. Yep, classic romance between a delusional old man and an uptight bitchy mom. So typical.

Kris Kringle is very zen. Doris sends him to see Mr. Sawyer, the psychologist that works at Macy’s (??). Kris flips the script on Sawyer and psychologizes him. Sawyer says that Kris should be fired because eventually he will show his “latent maniacal” or violent tendencies. Doris et al. decided to find a place for Kris to stay in the city. Freud would have agreed with Sawyer’s theories about men who dress up like Santa Clause.


Maybe Kris is trying to start a cult? He seems to be working Susan over pretty hard. Trying to get her to join him in “imagine-nation”. Yikes! Stranger danger, Susie! Next up is Doris. I think she will a tough cookie to crack.

Susan confides in Kris that she wants a house for Christmas. He must pony up a house if he is going to prove to her that he is indeed Santa Clause. No biggie. Kris decides he will play matchmaker and get Doris and Fred together. That shoots my ideas about the plot all to hell.

Kris’ unconventional views on Christmas not being a commercial holiday gives Macy’s an edge on the market. He tells shoppers where to find items that Macy’s does not have in stock. The other stores in New York get on board. Kris decides to take on Sawyer while he is at it. He accuses Sawyer of being a fake psychologist. Kris hits him on the head with his cane because he won’t listen. Therefore proving Sawyer’s theories, but whatever. Sawyer is the worst, but violence is never the answer. Bad Santa!

bad santa

Santa goes to Bellevue! Poor Kris gets committed. Mr. Macy is not happy and wants Kris out of there. In order for Kris to be fully committed and deemed mentally ill it has to go through court.


The people vs. Kris Kringle, a.k.a. Santa Clause begins and it also begins a media circus. Well, some newspapers write stories using all k’s in the titles. That is pretty crazy, I guess.

Can you imagine if you had to prove you are not crazy in court? I would be committed.

Okay, so maybe he is Santa Clause, it doesn’t actually means he flies around giving out gifts. He could just be named Kris Kringle. Maybe I should have a kid and name it Kris Kringle just to prove my theory.

In the end, everyone trying to prove or disprove that Kris is Santa decides that is best to agree that he is Santa. It is best for the children, publicity, and most importantly Macy’s.


I really enjoyed this movie! I think Natalie Wood was my favourite part! She was adorable. I really think that everyone should give this movie a watch.

natalie 2

‘Miracle on 34th street’ receives 5 delusional old men with guilt complexes out of a possible 5!

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Christmas classics! (that I have never seen)

There are many movies that are a must watch every holiday season.  I have a list of these movies that includes, The Muppet Christmas Carol, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, and Home Alone.  But, there are still many movies that may be on your list that I have not seen.  I have decided to watch some of these movies this month.

The movies I plan to watch and review:

1. It’s a wonderful life

2. Miracle on 34th street

3. White Christmas

4. The nightmare before christmas

Happy December!