White Christmas

(1954, Michael Curtiz)


A successful song-and-dance team become romantically involved with a sister act and team up to save the failing Vermont inn of their former commanding general.

To be honest, this movie is not what I thought it was like.  Once again, I thought there would be more Christmas.  I think I am used to movies like Elf or The Grinch who stole Christmas.  Movies that are set right at Christmas.  At first I wasn’t sure if I was going to like this movie, but as it played I started to understand the appeal.


Firstly, Bing Crosby.  When I was a kid Bing summed up at Christmas for me and my family.  We would fill our glasses with eggnog, put on Bing’s Christmas album, and put up the tree.  It was tradition, and it was wonderful!  It is funny though, his voice doesn’t match his face to me.  Maybe that is just me.

Danny-fucking-Kaye!  He plays the go-getter and is a bit smarmy.


The movie opens during the second world war at Christmas.  Bob Wallace (Bing Crosby) and Phil Davis (Danny Kaye) are putting on a Christmas show for their fellow soldiers.  After the war, Bob and Phil become a two-man singing act and become successful.  They are hoping to meet some women, and then they do!  The women are a sister act, comprised of Betty Haynes (Rosemary Clooney) and Judy Haynes (Vera-Ellen).  They decide to go to Vermont, because of SNOW!  Unfortunately, they get there and find no snow!  Damn!  But they do find a General from the war, who is running the inn they are staying at.  The girls are to perform at the inn, but feel bad because no one is at the inn due to the lack of snow.  The boys decide to help their war buddy by putting on their flashy act.  They incorporate the girls into their act.  Sparks fly between Betty and Bing.  Keep in mind, in real life Bing was about 20 years older than Rosemary Clooney.  Gross.

Speaking of Rosemary Clooney, she was George Clooney’s aunt.  Vera-Ellen, was the youngest member of the Rockettes.  And boy, can she dance!!  She had been doing it since she as 10, had been in a bunch of Broadway shows, and in many musical movies, with the likes of Fred Astaire.


The General decides that he wants to get back into the army, but they don’t want him because he is fucking old.  He is appropriately sad about this, and feels useless.  Bob plans to try to get some of the men from the General’s army outfit up to the inn.

Not sure about the “choreography” number?!  It had a Funny Face feel to it.  Vera-Ellen saved it.  Danny-fucking-Kaye was weird.  Just weird.

danny kaye 2

I didn’t realize it at first, but Mary Lazarus from Sister Act is in this movie.  Her real name is Mary Wickes, and she plays Emma Allen, the nosy housekeeper.  Emma mishears Bob on the phone with an old army buddy who hosts a variety show talking about televising their show on Christmas.  She is not pleased to hear about this, mostly because she does not want the general to be embarrassed on tv.  Emma tells Betty what she has heard, who then gives Bob the cold shoulder.  Judy decides that if they want Bob and Betty to get together, then they should fake an engagement.  The schemes in movies are astounding!  Unfortunately, Betty does not take the news well and cannot forgive Bob.  It really turns into a cruel joke.  Poor Betty thinks that their act is over and she is losing her career and sister.  Betty decides to leave the inn, exactly the opposite of what Phil and Judy plan.

The dance numbers in this movie are aces!  Vera-Ellen is awesome!

vera 3

vera 4

vera 5

Phil and Judy tell Bob about their stupid plan, and he leaves to go to New York to get Betty to come home.


Judy sings a song about heartbreak, which she does so well!  She is a badass chick. I really love the idea of going out for dinner and a show.  I would love to do this!  Does this still happen anymore?

Bob goes on his war buddy’s variety show to sing a song about the general.  He asks for ex-soldiers to come to the inn on Christmas eve to show the general that he is still important to people.  Betty watches his plea on tv and falls in love with him.  You can see it in her eyes.

In the end, all the guys show up, Betty comes back, and it snows!  Perfect ending.  Oh, and they all end up hooking up: Judy and Phil, Betty and Bob.


This movie is good, but I really think they should have had more Christmas carols.  But, at least they do sing White Christmas at the end.  One of my all-time favs.

It is a heart-warming tale, and I think everyone should watch it at least once.

Quotable: “Oh, my word, if I wasn’t such a mean old biddy, I’d break right down and cry.” -Emma Allen (Mary Wickes)

White Christmas receives 4 Danny-fucking-Kayes out a possible 5.

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Miracle on 34th street

Miracle on 34th street

(1947, George Seaton)


When a nice old man who claims to be Santa Claus is institutionalized as insane, a young lawyer decides to defend him by arguing in court that he is the real thing.

Miracle on 34th street, now this is a Christmas classic! Full of Christmas-y spirit! I am watching the original from 1947, not that 1994 garbage, (j/k, I am sure it is a wonderful version).

The movie opens with Edmund Gwenn, who plays Kris Kringle, critiquing everyone’s holiday activities. Bit of a dick, I must admit. But, boy does he look like Santa Clause! Or at least what Coca Cola tells me he looks like.

coke santa


Kris rats the drunken Santa in the parade out to Doris Walker (Maureen O’Hara).  Doris is in charge of the parade and asks Kris to sub in for the ol’ drunko. She then goes home to her maid trussing the biggest turkey I have ever seen! That damn bird could be in the Macy’s parade!


Doris’ daughter, Susan, is played by a young Natalie Wood.  She is a very cute kid. She is over at her neighbour’s place, Fred Gailey (John Payne), watching the parade.

natalie 1

Susan is woke! She doesn’t believe in fairy tales, or Santa.  In my house growing up the minute you stop believing in Santa he doesn’t bring any gifts.  Therefore, I believe in Santa.  Susan is kind of a bummer.

I am suspicious of this Kris Kringle. He seems to be rather obsessed with Santa and Christmas. This guy needs a hobby. Also, he does not seem to be into capitalism. He doesn’t like the commercialism of Christmas. Sounds like a communist to me!

If you absolutely hate your life and feel like torturing yourself, then give ‘My Santa‘ a watch! Now, I gotta admit that I only got through the first 15 minutes. It was pretty awful, but it follows the same plot as ‘Miracle on 34th street’. Matthew Lawerence, the hottie from ‘Mrs. Doubtfire‘ plays “Santa”, or sorry, Chris.

matt law

It seems that Doris has read too many psychology articles on how to raise a logical child who does not believe in fairy tales.  I think I see where the conflict in this movie will be! Doris and Kris get together, but Susan is not happy. Yep, classic romance between a delusional old man and an uptight bitchy mom. So typical.

Kris Kringle is very zen. Doris sends him to see Mr. Sawyer, the psychologist that works at Macy’s (??). Kris flips the script on Sawyer and psychologizes him. Sawyer says that Kris should be fired because eventually he will show his “latent maniacal” or violent tendencies. Doris et al. decided to find a place for Kris to stay in the city. Freud would have agreed with Sawyer’s theories about men who dress up like Santa Clause.


Maybe Kris is trying to start a cult? He seems to be working Susan over pretty hard. Trying to get her to join him in “imagine-nation”. Yikes! Stranger danger, Susie! Next up is Doris. I think she will a tough cookie to crack.

Susan confides in Kris that she wants a house for Christmas. He must pony up a house if he is going to prove to her that he is indeed Santa Clause. No biggie. Kris decides he will play matchmaker and get Doris and Fred together. That shoots my ideas about the plot all to hell.

Kris’ unconventional views on Christmas not being a commercial holiday gives Macy’s an edge on the market. He tells shoppers where to find items that Macy’s does not have in stock. The other stores in New York get on board. Kris decides to take on Sawyer while he is at it. He accuses Sawyer of being a fake psychologist. Kris hits him on the head with his cane because he won’t listen. Therefore proving Sawyer’s theories, but whatever. Sawyer is the worst, but violence is never the answer. Bad Santa!

bad santa

Santa goes to Bellevue! Poor Kris gets committed. Mr. Macy is not happy and wants Kris out of there. In order for Kris to be fully committed and deemed mentally ill it has to go through court.


The people vs. Kris Kringle, a.k.a. Santa Clause begins and it also begins a media circus. Well, some newspapers write stories using all k’s in the titles. That is pretty crazy, I guess.

Can you imagine if you had to prove you are not crazy in court? I would be committed.

Okay, so maybe he is Santa Clause, it doesn’t actually means he flies around giving out gifts. He could just be named Kris Kringle. Maybe I should have a kid and name it Kris Kringle just to prove my theory.

In the end, everyone trying to prove or disprove that Kris is Santa decides that is best to agree that he is Santa. It is best for the children, publicity, and most importantly Macy’s.


I really enjoyed this movie! I think Natalie Wood was my favourite part! She was adorable. I really think that everyone should give this movie a watch.

natalie 2

‘Miracle on 34th street’ receives 5 delusional old men with guilt complexes out of a possible 5!

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It’s a wonderful life

It’s a wonderful life (1946, Frank Capra)


An angel is sent from Heaven to help a desperately frustrated businessman by showing him what life would have been like if he had never existed.

Is it?  Is life wonderful?

I love the opening credits of this movie.  They are sheets of paper with the credits written on them, also with cute drawings.

opening credits

George Bailey (James Stewart) needs help.  The town of Bedford Falls is praying for his well-being, so an angel (Henry Travers) who has not gotten his wings yet is sent to help, and hopefully stop George from taking his life.  Okay, so the angel that is being sent has been waiting for his wings for 200 years! Geez, I think this angel sucks, at whatever the hell these angels do.  He is reading a book.  Is there a library in heaven?  I assume they are in heaven.  Are there bookstores in heaven?  So, heaven is capitalist?  Do they have money.  So far this movie is bringing up a lot of important questions, which I do not think are going to be answered.

Anyways, the movie starts with George as a young boy.  He seems like a really good kid.  Saved his brother from drowning, likes coconut, wants multiple wives.  He helps his boss from poisoning some guy.

bedford 1

James Stewart is very charming.  Bedford Falls reminds me of Stars Hollow from ‘Gilmore Girls’.  A quaint town full of charming men.

bedford 2Bedford Falls

stars hollowStars Hollow

Poor George is inflicted with the same troubles as any teenager in a small town.  He wants out!  His father asks him to take over the family business, a building and loan office, when he gets back from a trip and school.  Of course, George informs his father that he can’t, because he doesn’t want to be stuck.

Donna Reed plays Mary Hatch, the sister of a friend of Georges.  She is beautiful! Check her out!


Mary, like every young lady finds herself naked in a hydrangea bush.  If I had a nickel…


George’s father, Peter Bailey (Samuel S Hinds), dies of a stroke.  George gives up his trip and decides to go to just go to school.  After his father’s death, Mr. Potter, played by Lionel Barrymore, puts down Peter’s business sense and wants the loan business dissolved.  George gets on a soapbox and rants about the trials and tribulations of the common working man.  After his rant the committee decides that George should take over.  Therefore, he gives up going to college to take over the business.  George gives his college money to his brother, who after college comes home married to some chick.  Her father has some glass factory and wants George’s bro to work for him.  Poor George is stuck, just like he tried to avoid.

george sad

The only saving grace for George is Mary Hatch.  He has a hard time admitting that she is the perfect woman.  Dammit, George!! Look at what she painted you, George!!

george moon                george lasso

George is not very nice to Mary, who is very into him.  Of course, George is truly an idiot and is into Mary, but has to be difficult.  Typical.

rolling eyes

Don’t worry, these silly kids get together.  They get married.  Unfortunately, on the way to start their whirlwind honeymoon they are stopped because there is trouble at the building and loan business because the bank has been closed.  Once again, George has to sacrifice his own happiness to help out the business and the town of Bedford Falls.

Let’s talk about this asshole…

mr potter

Mr. Potter.  He is the dick that takes over the bank and is always trying to fuck George over.  This guy is the worst.  The literal worst.  He is the Scrooge character in this movie.  He has a vendetta against George because his family has always been a thorn in his proverbial paw.  He is constantly trying to make the most money, even if that means screwing over the good people of Bedford Falls.  He even tries to recruit George to work for him.  George declines.

Mr. Potter proves what kind of snake he is when George’s poor uncle accidentally gives him the building and loans money, a whopping sum of $8000.  Instead of being a good person, he keeps the money.  He ends the Bailey family, once and for all.  Dick.

mr potter 2

I liked this movie, the story is the tale of a man who tries so hard to be good.  He believes that the happiness of everyone is more important than his happiness.  He sacrifices a lot, but does a lot of good for the people of Bedford Falls.  This role is perfect for James Stewart.  He plays it perfectly.  He is a good man, but has difficulty with his emotions.  George is conflicted.  He is willing to make the biggest sacrifice of all for the town of Bedford Falls.

george 3

What I didn’t like about this movie is the lack of Christmas!  It is only christmas-y at the end.  Why not have more Christmas!  More Christmas!!  But, I do like how the angel lets George see what life would be like if he was never born.  Total mindfuck.

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I understand why “It’s a wonderful life” is a classic movie.  I definitely think that everyone should watch this movie, and it may become a part of my “must-watch Christmas movies” list.

I have to admit that I was a blubbering mess at the end of this movie.  It was very touching.

“It’s a wonderful life” receives 4 wingless angels out of a possible 5.

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Christmas classics! (that I have never seen)

There are many movies that are a must watch every holiday season.  I have a list of these movies that includes, The Muppet Christmas Carol, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, and Home Alone.  But, there are still many movies that may be on your list that I have not seen.  I have decided to watch some of these movies this month.

The movies I plan to watch and review:

1. It’s a wonderful life

2. Miracle on 34th street

3. White Christmas

4. The nightmare before christmas

Happy December!


Taking Woodstock

Taking Woodstock

(Ang Lee, 2009)


A man working at his parents’ motel in the Catskills inadvertently sets in motion the generation-defining concert in the summer of 1969.

First of all, we gotta talk about the fact that so many people in movies suck at running motels.  The motels are depressing, awful places, and the owners are usually sad people, or totally psycho, (like in the movie Psycho).  These people never seem to be happy to be running these motels.  How the heck did they start out?


Luckily, for these old crotchety assholes they have their entrepreneurial son, Elliot, played by Demetri Martin.  He is a painter and designer, who lives in New York, and goes back to the Catskills to figure out how to help his parents and the small town.  His parents are pretty awful.  As the movie progresses his parents seem to chill out and enjoy themselves.  They are definitely happy for the business and money that comes in.

mom and dad

They may be happy, but the townspeople are not all feeling the same.  Some are happy that the festival is coming to town.  They are happy for the business that will help to revive the town and put some much-needed money in their pockets.  Some are not happy that a ton of hippies will be invading their little town.  One of these unhappy people is Dan, who is played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, (who looks a lot like Javier Bardem, like A LOT!!).  His brother, Billy, who is played by Emile Hirsch, is back from the Vietnam war and is suffering from PTSD.  He has flashbacks throughout the film, and seems to be taking back his life and mind after the atrocities that he saw while fighting in the war.


Can’t really blame the unhappy people, hippies are literally the worst.


Gotta say, there is a lot of penis in this movie.  There is one scene where everyone is naked.  You don’t always see penis in movies!  If you like penis, then you will like this movie.  Also, if you like pubic hair.  There is a ton of pubic hair.

The mom is a real firecracker!  The dad is too.  They both fight off some gangsters who want to do security for the motel for a hefty sum.  Like, they literally fight them.  It is amazing.

Enter, Liev Schrieber, who plays Vetty Von Vilma, a “gay transvestite”, according to IMDB.  She is hired to do the security.


I think this movie really did well to show how crazy, dirty, but also amazing Woodstock was when it was happening.  It is crazy to think that it was the first huge outdoor festival of its kind.  The sheer amount of people is insane.  A great scene is when Elliot gets a ride with a cop to the festival.  The screen is cut in two or three segments, which all show different parts of the festival.  It shows the different types of people who attended the show.  There were hippies of course, but there was so many different types of hippies.  The anti-war ones, the acid trippers, the weekend hippies who were there for the music.  Some people were full time hippies, who live in a van and travel the country, and those who take advantage of hippies.

the walk

Elliot later finds out that his mom has a bunch of money that she has been saving over the years.  The money would have saved the business.  He is very mad because he used all of his money to help them, and not to mention, all of his time.  She seems more than happy to let him suffer and struggle to make life better for them.

It is an interesting movie.  I had never heard of it before, and did not know what to think.  But, I was pleasantly surprised.  The movie portrayed not only the hard work put into putting on Woodstock, but also the relationships that were formed and strengthened while the show went on.  I like that the movie shows the everyday people and not the celebrities at Woodstock.

I definitely recommend this ‘Taking Woodstock’, especially if you are a fan of the 60’s.

‘Taking Woodstock’ gets 4.5 “dirty hippie penises” out of a possible 5.


Summer school

Summer school

(Carl Reiner, 1987)


A high-school gym teacher has big plans for the summer, but is forced to cancel them to teach a “bonehead” English class for misfit goof-off students. Fortunately, his unconventional brand of teaching fun field trips begins to connect with them, and even inspires ardor in some.

Shoop, who is a high school gym teacher has to teach a summer remedial english class to a bunch of rando students, who have failed an english skills test.  The students are described as a bunch of misfits prone to goofing off.


First of all, Shoop is not teacher of the year, but the hottie with a body next door certainly would win the award!  The hottie is Ms. Robin Elizabeth Bishop, played by Kirstie Alley.  She teaches the advanced english class.  She is also dating the vice principal, who seems to be a real douche canoe.


Shoop, who is up for a tenure position at the school, is told that in order to obtain the job everyone in the summer school class has to pass the final exam.  The students make a deal with him to get what they need, i.e. driving lessons, rides to the beach, and they will show up for class and pay attention.

Shoop asks for help from Ms. Bishop, and she agrees?  She even bails him out of jail and stands up to the “bite in the ass” vice principal, as well as in court!  I think she loves him!!

Boy, teenagers in the 80’s were zany!  And their parties were off da’ hook!  Every party in every 80’s movie is soooooo wild, like “burn the house down afterwards” wild!


‘Summer school’ is another Carl Reiner movie, which was made two years after ‘Summer rental’.  This movie has a ‘Breakfast club’ vibe, but is the whole summer!


The most random scene in the movie is when Shoop finds a male student stripping at a male strip club.  Why?!  Why is he there?!  WHY!?  Eventually, the student loses  his job because the club found out how old he is, also his mom and aunt were at the club.  Ewww on all levels.

strip club

There are a lot of familiar faces in this movie:

Patrick Labyouteaux, (huh? Hell of a last name!), who was “Ram” in the movie ‘Heathers’.  He plays another football meathead in this movie, but this time he is a sweet heart and develops a relationship with a pregnant chick.

Courtney Thorne-Smith from ‘Melrose place’ and ‘Ally McBeal’.  Her character is a spaced-out, surfer chick.  She also has a big crush on Shoop.

Dean Cameron, who plays “Francis ‘Chainsaw’ Gremp”.  He and his buddy are obsessed with horror movies and the new hot chick, who is played by…


Fabiana Udenio, who was “Alotta Fagina” in ‘Austin Powers’.

Shawnee Smith from ‘Who’s Harry Crumb’.  She plays a pregnant teenager, (Ram’s love interest), who is totally different than Nikki Downing, her character in ‘Harry Crumb’.  Nikki was the “Penny” to John Candy’s “Inspector Gadget” in that movie.


Keep an eye out for Denise’s zebra print outfit.  WANT!


Shoop ends up quitting when the students ask for more incentive to study for the test.  The vice principal shows up to teach the class, it goes well, (not).  He calls the kids psycho, and in retailiation they set up a horror scene the next day, which scares off a possible teacher.  They convince the vice principal to hire back Shoop.  The kids are able to get Shoop to come back, and they study their misfit butts off.  Unfortunately, they all fail the test and commit mass suicide in the gymnasium.


Okay, just kidding.  But, most of them do fail the test, but their test scores have improved enough that the principal is convinced that Shoop is a good teacher, obviously he does not know what a good teacher actually is like.  Shoop gets tenure.

In the end, the students are better people, Shoop is a better teacher, (questionable), and Robin falls for Shoop.  But the biggest triumph is that Shoop’s dog gets his lost toy back!! (I am a dog person now).

Quotable: “Why don’t you order two lunches and eat them both yourself.  One for each face!” -Ms. Bishop to vice principal (way harsh, tai)

Summer school gets 5 “bonehead teachers, who don’t give a damn, but really start to care when they get to know the students” out of a possible 5.



Summer Rental (1985)

Summer Rental (1985, Carl Reiner)


An overworked air-traffic controller takes his family on a beach vacation but is soon beset by series of mishaps.

Mishaps is correct!  Don’t worry, if you want a movie that has all of the quintessential, cheesy, summer doofus moves, then this is the movie for you!  If you don’t want to watch a garbage movie, well then, keep looking!  I really wanted to like this movie, but alas, it just was not turning my crank.  It is unfortunate because I really like John Candy and Carl Reiner.


I love love love John Candy!  He always plays the loveable idiot in movies, but in ‘Summer rental’, his character, Jack, is just kind of an asshole!  I get that he wants a nice vacation, but he does not seem to handle set backs very well.  He just seems angry all of the time.  It is a very different role than any of the others he has played, in which he may get angry but the fact that he does nothing and lets people get away with everything makes him the, “big hearted buffoon” that IMDB states.  His characters in ‘who’s Harry Crumb’, ‘Uncle Buck’, ‘Delirious’, and ‘the great outdoors’ always seem to be in second place, but yet they come out the winner because they do not give up, which is true with Jack, but they seem not be a true dick deep down.  I don’t trust Jack.  Something shifty about this guy.  I think that it is because he is a buffoon, but does not apologize for any of his buffoonery.

John Candy was Canadian, and unfortunately his last film was ‘Canadian bacon’, which he ironically had a heart attack after making, and then subsequently died.  Very tragic.

Carl Reiner, is still alive!  According to Wikipedia his career has spanned almost seven decades!  That is pretty impressive!  He directed one of my all-time fav movies, ‘the jerk’ with Steve Martin.  You should definitely check that one out!!

The mishaps in this movie are classic.  You got the guys ogling the beach babes running, the massive sunburn on the first day, and the smarmy rich asshole sailor guy who steals your table at a seafood restaurant.  Classic!

Turns out this asshole sailor guy hates the summer renters, or as we called them back home, “tourpests”.  Of course, the house that they move into and think they have rented from a friend turns out to be on the wrong street.  The actual house is awful, and the landlord is the asshole sailor guy.  Classic!

rich asshole

In true buffoon fashion, Jack decides that he will learn how to sail, and then challenges the landlord in the local regatta.  If they win then they get to stay in the house, of course the rental period was only for a month?!  Not sure if they are staying longer, maybe I missed that part.

Anyways, they win the regatta by pulling a couple stunts, like throwing all of the frozen food in the freezer off the boat, which is littering and does not provide a very moral lesson about how to win a regatta.  Jack also takes off his pants to use as a sail.  Classic sailing tactic!


To be honest, I didn’t really like this movie.  I had such high hopes!  Not sure I would recommend it.  This movie felt like a lame version of ‘National Lampoon’s Vacation’.  There are better “summer fun” movies out there, and hopefully I will watch some of them!  You don’t even see any boobs!  What is the point?!  If boobs aren’t seen in a summer movie is it a summer movie????

Quotable: “He is a life guard, they are all sex maniacs!  Right now each of his gonads are screaming “me first”!

life guards.jpg

‘Summer Rental’ receives 2 boobs out of a possible 5.