Bonus Movie: Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows (Tim Burton, 2012)


An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection.

Okay, I will admit, I have seen this movie before, and I love it!  Here is the break down:

The good:

Eva Green!  I lovelovelove her!  She plays a scorned witch who turn her ex-lover, Barnabus Collins into a vampire, and leads the townspeople into locking him up.  She is amazing in the tv show, ‘Penny Dreadful’.  Seriously, stop reading this and go watch that show, and then come back and finish reading this.  I will wait…

Eva plays a bad guy so well!  She plays Angelique Bouchard, a witch and the fish cannery competitor.

Tim Burton!  I know that he has gotten some flack recently about diversity in his movies, but I love his style.  I love the colours in this film.  It looks like a cool instagram filter has been used on it.  So cool.

Johnny Lee Miller!  I love that guy!  He was amazing in ‘Hackers’, and then has been wicked ever since.  I especially love him in ‘Elementary’, in which he plays Sherlock Holmes.  Another tv show you need to watch, if you haven’t already, but on your own time, please.  We have a movie to get through.  Johnny plays Elizabeth’s brother, Roger.

And, of course, Johnny Depp, who plays Barnabus Collins, and Helena Bonham Carter, as Dr. Julia Hoffman, yeah yeah, they are amazing, like always.  Nothing new here.  I love how whimsical they play their characters.  I love how Barnabus reacts to all of the new things he encounters!  Helena is a psychiatrist, who has a rather bad drinking problem.

I love how the movie starts, after the beginning sequence that outlines the history, the train part.  The music, the train, and the scenery.  I love it all.  Also, I love that the movie takes place in the 70’s, when coincidentally, the original movie was made.  The opening sequence follows Victoria Winters to the Collins mansion, where she is applying for a governess position.  She is also an ancestor of Josette DuPres, Barnabus’ lover who threw herself of a cliff into the ocean due to a spell on her by Angelique.

Barnabus is broken out of his coffin by construction workers, he promptly kills them, and walks home.  At home he is greeted by his living family, and shows Elizabeth (Michelle Pheiffer) where the hidden family treasure resides.  He and Elizabeth fix up the house, which fell into great disrepair over the years.  Angelique hears that Barnabus is back and shows up to gloat about her canning business.

Dr. Hoffman and Roger are suspicious of Barnabus.  Roger is curious about the family treasure, and Dr. Hoffman hypnotizes Barnabus to find out his secrets: he is a vampire!  Dr. Hoffman decides to try to de-vampirize, (not a word), Barnabus by giving him blood transfusions to purify his blood.  I think that could work!!  Barnabus meanwhile is trying to court Victoria.  Good luck.  She seems like a real square.  Her story is strange one.  She was sent away by her parents because she saw her ancestor, Josette’s ghost.

The sex scene between Barnabus and Angelique is amazing!  So funny.  Barnabus decides that throwing a ball, or happening, would be a great idea to show off how the Collins’ are back.  He gets Alice Cooper, a very strange looking woman to sing.

Barnabus discovers that Dr. Hoffman is using his blood to make her self into a vampire, therefore not aging anymore.  Barnabus kills her.  Victoria realizes that something is not right about Barnabus when he catches fire because of sunlight.  He goes to Angelique to beg for her vampire spell to be reversed.  She tells him that she will reverse it if he becomes her business partner and lover, he tells her to “kiss his posterior”.  She locks him up in a coffin again and dumps it in a tomb, while blowing the Collins cannery to smithereens.  Angelique tells the town that Barnabus murdered Dr. Hoffman, and the cops show up to arrest the family.  Barnabus shows the town what he and Angelique are by biting her neck, she hunts him down.  Unrequited love is a bitch.  Angelique and the Collins family have an all-out war.  She goes all ‘death-becomes-her on them’.  She starts a fire in the house, Chloe Grace Moretz is a werewolf, (I knew it!), and then the little boys dead mother saves the day and kills Angelique with a chandelier.  A pretty normal ending to a movie.  Barnabus leaves to find Victoria, who is making the walk to jump off the cliff, exactly like Josette.  She jumps off the cliff, forcing Barnabus to bite her and turn into a vampire, just like every other chick who has ever fallen for a vampire.  She then decides she wants to be known as Josette when she wakes up vampirialized, (not a word).

I have seen this movie before, and yet every time I watch it it feels like the first time?  What is with that?  I wonder if I will remember it now, or if in a year I will watch it again like the first time again?

Dark Shadows receives 5 totally forgettable plot lines somehow out of a possible 5.


Author: kristaskene

A movie, book, and music lover. I love to offer my, hopefully witty, and always sarcastic thoughts.

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