Once again, I love Elvira!! She has two great assets, her wit and humour! What did you think I was going to say?
Elvira’s Haunted Hills (Sam Irvin, 2001)
Set back in 1851 in the Carpathia Mountains of Romania, Elvira the Mistress of the Dark” en route to Paris with her maidservant Zou Zou for a can-can revue, stop for the night at a haunted castle owned by a certain Vladimir Hellsubus whose long dead wife bears an eerie resemblance to Elvira.
Elvira and her maidservant, Zou Zou, are on their way to a Parisian can-can revue. They get picked up by some guy, and offered a ride and a place to stay for the night: a creepy-ass castle. The guy is Dr. Bradley Bradley. Hilarity ensues. And of course, a ton of inadvertent boob grabs and jokes. I would expect nothing less from our girl, Elvira!! Even just taking off her shoes is hilarious!!
They arrive at Hellsubus’ castle and his wife is a bit put off. Apparently, Elvira looks exactly like his dead ex-wife, Elora. Dr. Bradley Bradley informs Elvira that the castle is known as being haunted, and the people who live in it are cursed. Sounds like my parents place!
Enter, Hellsubus’ niece, Lady Roxanna, who is afflicted with the family curse, as well. Roxanna tells Elvira and Zou Zou that she is stuck in the castle, and is then invited by Elvira to come with them to Paris in the morning. Roxanna is Nikki from ‘Good morning, Miss Bliss’! I knew that I recognized her! ‘Good morning, Miss Bliss’ was the first ‘Saved by the bell’ series.
Zou Zou wakes Elvira up in the middle of the night because she is scared of the strange noises coming from the dungeon. Elvira says she will “throw on something skimpy” and go check it out. She finds a secret door, and walks down a dark hallway to find a door marked “keep out”. Hellsubus comes out of the door and goes upstairs. Elvira finds, Adrian, the stable master polishing Hellsubus’ gun. They meet and sparks fly! Literally, a spark sets Elvira’s gown on fire. Adrian informs her that the castle is unhealthy. She finds out Elora committed suicide, apparently because of the family curse. Hellsubus’ wife shows up. She is such a weirdo.
Elvira is ready to leave the next morning, but finds out that Dr. Bradley Bradley has left with his coach to go into town because a bunch of people are dying of the plague. How annoying! She has a show to put on! She sees Adrian, and goes after him. She falls into a grave, Hellsubus shows up and helps her out. He rants about grave robbers. This guy is intense! And such a complainer! Then he complains about how he has super hearing and very sensitive eyes. They stumble across Elora’s grave, (today is the 10 year anniversary of her death). He tells Elvira about Elora, and how depressed she became while living in the house. She ended up jumping out of a window. He becomes convinced that Elvira is Elora come back from the grave, but then after a swift kick to the nuts forgets and thinks he must have blacked out. Seriously, this guy needs to lay off the sauce!
Dr. Bradley Bradley hypnotizes Elvira, who is possessed by Elora. After, they retire to the sitting room for some brandy, and Elvira entertains them with a lovely little ditty.
That night, Hellsubus is awakened by the ghost of Elora, but then freaks out again, so Elvira kicks him in the balls again. He notices that Elvira is wearing Elora’s ring, and becomes convinced that Elora is still alive. He decides that the only way to really figure it out is if they dig up her grave. When they do so, they find that her coffin is empty! Yikes! Roxanna falls to her death, from fright!!
At night, Elvira goes to the stable looking for Adrian, who she finds doing some late-night blacksmithing. They end up doing it, and while sleeping she dreams of Elora and Hellsubus’ brother doing it, and then Hellsubus finds them, slashes the brother’s throat, and then he locks up Elora. Elora calls for help from Elvira, who sneaks back into the castle to find her. Roxanna, climbs out of her coffin and follows Elvira, I guess she isn’t dead? Or is she? No one is ever dead in these types of movies. Elvira goes down into the dungeon, she finds Zou Zou in a cage, unfortunately Hellsubus follows shows up. Elvira finds the wall that Elora was locked up behind, and easily knocks it down to find Elora’s skeleton. Hellsubus admits he killed her, and that he was going to bury Roxanna alive, apparently that is something Hellsubus’ do. A fight ensues, Elvira wins by kicking him in the nuts again. The new wife shows up with Dr. Bradley Bradley, who she admits to having an affair with, and who outlines their plan to incapacitate Hellsubus in order to control his family fortune. The next morning, they are torturing Elvira. Hellsubus wakes up, mistakes Dr. Bradley Bradley for his brother who was having an affair with Elora, and his second wife for Elora. Adrian eventually shows up to save Elvira, who now Hellsubus has tied up. Elvira gets herself out of being tied up, Roxanna shows up, is thrown into some gears, and then Adrian breaks in, finally. They get Zou Zou out of her cage, and run out of the castle, which is falling apart. Dr. Bradley Bradley goes for the jewels, while Adrian runs in to save his half-sister, Hellsubus’ second wife. The castle eventually breaks in half and sinks, very similar to the Titanic. A beautiful scene. Elvira and Zou Zou are once again on the open road, some dude in a stagecoach stops and picks them up. The guy informs them that the castle, they just stayed in, was actually destroyed a 1000 years ago!! Whoa, that is some trippy shit!!
Once again, the Carpathian mountains prove not to be a nice vacation spot. Stay away!
Elvira’s Haunted Hills gets 15 bad puns and big boobs out of a possible 5. (Basically, this is the best movie ever made. It should have won an Oscar.)