Bonus movie!! I love Elvira. She is funny, witty, and those knockers! Come on, she is amazing! I really love her movie, ‘Elvira: Mistress of the dark’, but I have seen it wayyyyy to many times to review and spoil it on this blog. I will say, GO WATCH THAT MOVIE!!
Anyways, I have never seen any of the Movie Macabre episodes, so I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to review an episode of a chick tearing a movie apart.
The movie is ‘Count Dracula’s great love’ (Javier Aguirre, 1973).
Four women spend the night in an old deserted sanitarium on a mountain. They each in turn fall into the the evil hands of a doctor who forces them to suck each others blood and to whip innocent village virgins so they can lick the oozing cuts clean.– Written by <email@example.com>
So, the movie starts with these dudes moving a big crate, which they open, (unprofessional), and find a skeleton. They freak out, and promptly fall down the stairs after getting their throat ripped and an axe to the head. These guys are the worst movers ever.
Four chicks and one guy are in a stagecoach, stop me if you have heard this one? These guys are on their way to the shut down sanitarium, normal things you do on a Sunday. What I love is apparently they are from Bulgaria, but their accents are not from Bulgaria. I love that about movies! I kept thinking that a porn was going to start happening, seriously these chicks are giving off a heavy “this is actually a porn” vibe. I always find it funny how chicks in old movies always brush their hair before bed, and flick their heads around. Is that a movie thing, or do a lot of people brush their hair like that before bed?
Okay, I was right about the porn vibe. The sanitarium guy, who is probably Dracula, just came into one of the chick’s bedrooms and started making out with her. Boobs, (boob count #1)! The other chick, Karen, (remember that name), gets up and goes out into the hallway, where this creepy guy is hanging out, Dracula. The doctor carries her back in.
Karen turns into the wet blanket. She wants to leave, and does not trust the doctor guy. The girls meanwhile go swimming, Boobs, (boob count #2)! Why the hell does Dracula have a pool? Who takes care of this pool? Anyways, once the girls get dressed, they decide to snoop around the house. This is why I do not invite bitches over. Nosy. They find a library, and surprisingly know how to read! The books they find are Jonathan Harker’s diaries about Dracula.
Dracula breaks into one of the girls rooms at night, (I can’t tell these chicks apart anymore), and bites her, of course, we see her boobs (boob count #3). The other chick wakes up and the doctor is chilling out downstairs, she can’t sleep, so he suggests going for a moonlit walk in the garden. So romantic, until you show him your boobs and he bites you and sucks your blood! Typical date. While they are walking she asks him a ton of questions, one of which is if he plans to open the sanatorium again, like it is a bakery or something?! Opening a sanatorium is not super easy, but what does this chick know? The other chick hears them talking and gets super jelly. Elvira calls her, “Miss anything-in-pants-will-do”! Hahaha!! Seriously, this chick will fuck anyone. She likes mysterious guys, obviously she has not dated much. Trust me, mystery men are awful.
What do these chicks do? Why the hell are they here? Seriously, are they friends from college? Is the guy a friend or an old professor? WHAT IS THE PLOT OF THIS MOVIE???
The slutty chick gets her leg caught in one of the doctor’s traps while out for a leisurely stroll. Another normal thing that happens on a Sunday. He has a hard time cleaning the wound, because he is Dracula. He likes blood, actually he loves blood. Everyone is so chill about the trap. I would have been losing my shit if I got my leg caught in a frigging trap while visiting some creepy guy’s house.
That night, the one chick who Dracula bite lures another chick out of her bedroom and bites her. Slutty chick gets out of bed, (walks totally fine, mind you), and calls for to the doctor to come into her room. She seductively kisses him, and then shows her boobs again, (boob count #4 and #5). A narrator comes on and says that she is a virgin. Yeah right!!!
The newly vampired, (that is totally a word), women’s faces are super white. They look dumb. Turns out, the guy they came with turns into a vampire. So, two of the chicks and the dude are vampires now? Karen and the doctor go searching for the vampires. He is trying to act surprised, like he doesn’t know what is happening. It is funny how much the girls enjoy being vampires. Like, really enjoy it. (boob count #6)
So, now Dracula is hanging out with Karen, the wet blanket, and has to try to kill all the vampires that he inadvertently made. He sneaks up on one, and he throws Karen down the stairs! Best part of the movie!! Dracula, is distraught, because he loves Karen. After falling down the stairs she has one small cut on her forehead. She is one tough chick! Karen admits that she loves Dracula, of course she does not know he is Dracula.
Elvira presents a new segment, ‘Cooking with Elvira!’, and it is amazing! She invites one half of ‘The cooking Couple’ on, and she shares how to dress up your meat!
Karen finally meets up with her friends and new boyfriend, who are all vampires! Yikes! Dracula needs Karen’s blood to awaken his daughter, Radna, (she was the skeleton in the crate that those crappy movers found). Now she is a step-mom, too! Boy, this is a lot for Karen to take in.
Dracula locks Karen up? And then goes and bites some chick? This movie is a bit hard to follow, all I know is that you see another boob (boob count #7). This movie seems to just be an awful way to show boobs. Karen’s so-called, vampire friends thrash some innocent village girl, then they take blood from Karen and the village girl, and pour the blood over Radna. Apparently, now Karen is tied to Dracula forever. Radna then de-skeletons, (not a word), and becomes fleshy. Karen is locked up again, she cannot win!
In the end, Dracula decides not to awaken his daughter because he loves Karen so much, he kills the slutty chick, and they “live” happily ever after. Well, maybe not. It turns out that Karen is not really into this relationship, or is she? Seriously, she is the queen of mixed signals. Karen’s friends are not needed by Dracula anymore, and are burned up by the sun, totally like in ‘Interview with a vampire’, (what a rip-off). Dracula then stabs himself in the chest. Not exactly sure why? Karen would have stayed with him. She is all-kinds of fucked up, and ending up with Dracula as a boyfriend is probably the most normal thing about this trip to the Carpathian mountains. Not exactly a great vacation spot.
All in all, ‘Count Dracula’s great love’ was not that great, actually it really sucked, but it was so bad that it almost was good! Elvira definitely made it better!
Count Dracula’s great love gets 3 1973 boobs out of a possible 5.