Return of the Jedi (1983, Richard Marquand) a.k.a. “the gold bikini movie”
What IMDB says:
After rescuing Han Solo from the palace of Jabba the Hutt, the rebels attempt to destroy the second Death Star, while Luke struggles to make Vader return from the dark side of the Force.
What I say:
The film begins with Leia trying to rescue frozen Hans from Jabba, of course she is unable to save him and becomes Jabba’s slave. He dresses her in a very famous gold bikini. Life is hard in the galaxy for a woman. Of course, Luke shows up to save the day, he single-handedly, (which is ironic since he only has one hand!), slays Jabba’s beast. Eventually, they get away, with a thawed Hans. Luke leaves to go find Yoda and continue his training. He finds out that the only way to save the galaxy is for him to kill his father, Vader. Bummer. Yoda is so cute when he is getting into his tiny little bed. After they rap a bit about Luke killing his daddy, he kicks the bucket. Double bummer.
It is really weird that the only way to defeat Vader is for Luke to kill him. Not only does Luke have to kill his father, but he also finds out that the chick he wants to bang is his SISTER! *cue “The Crying Game” shower scene from “Ace Ventura”. Of course, Luke doesn’t want to kill his father, who btw is the most evil dude in the galaxy and cut Luke’s hand off! I think this is an easy decision, but then again I have never had to make a decision like that once. A tough decision for me is picking toppings for my cold cut trio at Subway. To cucumber, or not cucumber, that is the question (Shakespeare).
The #squadgoals, (Luke, Leia, Hans, Chewy and sexy droids), assemble to destroy another Vader deathstar, which they believe is not operational, but do not worry, if it is you will have time to get away because it has to warm up and takes frigging forever to do it! Seriously, turn in it on 15 mins. before you have to murder someone. Who is running this show? Once again, it seems that Vader really does not want to actually kill anyone.
Vader and Luke have another battle. Luke is adamant about not turning to the dark side, which Vader is peddling like a vengeful Avon lady. In the end, dead-beat daddy saves Luke. Vader is in rough shape, Luke takes his bucket, er..mask off and then they are super besties.
And then he kicks the bucket. Not bummer?
The bad guys lose, the good guys win.
Luke takes Vader’s dead carcass and burns it. The smell of that must have been awful! All of that plastic and old dried up flesh. Gross. Though, it probably smells better than some Bath and Body Works candles. #burn
The #originalsquadgoals, (Yoda, Obi-Wan, and Anakin, who is young and hot, not old and burnt), show up to party with Luke, Leia, Hans, et al. Then a massive orgy breaks out and ends the film.
The Ewok’s definitely made this film for me. They are #adorbz!!
Return of the Jedi gets 5 dancing Ewok out of a possible 5. (So f’ing cute)